“NO!”
Is this a familiar repetitive word used in your household very often? Parent readers might be thinking, ‘Yes, my kid says that to my every order!’ and the kids might be thinking, ‘Yes, that’s what I hear mostly everyday especially on occasions when I wish to hear the opposite!’. Yeah well, the good news is that both of these arguments are true. Just like yawning, we could say that the ‘NO’ word is psychological too.
The reason behind this new fold theory would be that when parents become too overprotective or strict as a part of their parenting, they tend to restrict the kids from basic to bigger opportunities that they might want to discover. Parents who can relate to this need to understand the fact that this disagreement works both ways. The child is now bound to say ‘NO’ to your every order. Defiant children can be tough to handle as they often become a nuisance for the parents and other people around them. Some kids are simply born with a defiant child behavior while some build it later themselves.
According to science, Defiant Child Disorder or Oppositional Defiant Disorder is incurable. This is because the causes of this behavioral disorder are still unknown. The best reason for children to develop this disorder and act this way is credited to environmental factors or genetic disorders. In this disorder, the child will show symptoms of vindictive behavior, aggressiveness, irritability, disagreement on everything, isolation, resistance to authority/ parents and moodiness to name a few. ODD may require a medical diagnosis and If your child has been showing these symptoms for a couple of months or recently, you can undergo individual or family therapy.
If your child has developed this disrespectful behavior, talk to him and let him know that this behavior unacceptable. Teach them about how to respect the elders, especially parents and siblings elder to them. Though these basic things must be taught at a small age to every kid in order to instill in his mind the basic behavioral etiquettes, it is never too late to begin. Science has provided two possible reasons as to why children choose to act this way, and that would be due to environmental factors and genetics. Environmental factors are known to be number one cause for children developing this behavior. At an age where a child is discovering his freedom, independence, and self- reliance, parents sometimes start to apply irrational restrictions and applying overprotective behavior, which only results in the child getting more rebellious towards everyone and everything. What most parents fail to understand is that they think that by applying restrictions or questioning their children's freedom, they will be able to keep their child in check and control. But this never works as the child wants what it wants and applying restrictions will only make him counter your orders. This will make him aggressive and irritable, as he will that he is not able to enjoy the same freedom that his friends enjoy, only resulting in the further feeding of this rebellious nature.
Almost every parent with a teenage kid knows what it’s like to undergo a rebellious behavior. Parenting a defiant child is not easy as their expectations from life are way too high and it can be difficult to keep them grounded. Although no kid wants any restrictions on his life but letting them know about the rules and regulations of your household is your job. But these rules have got to be rational too! You can set a deadline for them but you must also not restrict them from discovering or enjoying life. Talk to them as a friend on a daily basis and make sure you are updated on their life.
#2. Stop Saying ‘NO’
Now here’s a little fun fact for all you parents: if you stop disagreeing with every plan or outing of your kids' they will find a way to land there somehow. They are not scared of the after effect or being scolded and less, grounded because they will take that any day compared to the fun they can have with their friends. But here’s the fix too: Act like a friend and try to be chill and approving instead of restricting and killing their fun all the time. This way, they will actually share their feelings, thoughts and day to day activities with you and so the possibility of them doing bad or illegal things rules out. Strict parents sometimes forget to understand that the kids are only trying to have the time of their lives by exploring the world and the fun adventures it has to offer. By restricting them of carrying out such adventures, they are only going to revert aggressively and rebelliously and isolate themselves into their own bubble with along with keeping secrets.
#3. Appreciate Them When They Deserve It
Appreciating kids for their achievements and good behavior will motivate them to be good. By not appreciating kids of their achievements, they might even develop a feeling that will make them believe that they are not good enough or deserving. Appreciating them when they deserve it is equally important as scolding or punishing them when they disobey.
#4. Stop Forcing Things
It is one thing to set rules and create boundaries and another to force these rules upon them. Forcing children to obey irrational rules has never worked and never will. You can only succeed in keeping them grounded by making them follow the general household rules, such as a setting a deadline and allotting household chores. Saying no to their every wish will only kill their enthusiasm towards life and make them drift apart from you. They will resort to isolation and will instead prefer to take advice and share their thoughts and feelings with their friends.
#5. Be Rational
Whilst setting rules for the household, make sure you are at least rational and not too strict. Let them have their freedom a little bit but not to such an extent that they lose connection and become a person that has no goals in life. Do not set reporting deadlines that are too early such as 4 or 5. You have to realize that they're getting bigger and as they grow older and responsible, freedom is going to be an important and integral part of their lives which they will achieve anyhow. If their freedom is restricted, they tend to become resilient and angry as with age, this factor becomes a need. Do not set career goals for them or make their living solely from school- home- repeat.
#6. Set Some Rules
Allotting all the freedom in the world might not be a great idea as children are still children and they have to be kept a little grounded in order to make their feet stay on the ground. If your child wants to undertake something that might be risky and harmful, let them know about the consequences that are to follow with their decision. As a parent, taking a stand against your kids might be important sometimes. If your child wants to get a tattoo just because a friend of theirs have got one recently, ask them to rethink their decision and not to act impulsively. Above all, talk to them as a friend rather than reacting aggressively to their every thought.
#7. Do Not Overdo The Punishment
Punishing your kid for something that they shouldn’t have done is absolutely healthy, as long as parents do not overdo it. Do not punish them harshly and instead opt for harmless means of restricting their freedom, and that too for a short period of time.
#8. When You Yell, They Yell
Do not yell at your kids, especially for menial matters, as they will misjudge this as a trick to yell back in order to achieve something. Once you start to yell at them during fights, they will also resort back in the same way, by raising their voice. If you want to discuss matters with your kid regarding something, talk to them by keeping your voice down. Discuss and don’t scold. Hear their side of the story too and respect their feelings before judging their actions and punishing them for the same.
#9. Understand Why They May Be Resilient
Lending an ear to their side of the story is equally crucial before scolding them for their misdeeds. Try to understand and sympathize with the reasons and why they chose to act this way. Do not act impulsively and aggressively and support your child if he did not deserve to be blamed. Respect their feelings as only that way will you be able to receive respect back in return.
#10. Therapy Always Helps!
Since science has classified this behavioral disorder as incurable, taking therapy can always help. Individual or family therapy will help the child to listen and realize his mistakes for one. Therapy will also make him interact and share those feelings with his parents that they originally hesitant to. Therapy to deal with a defiant child is as important for the parents as for the child, as the child cannot always be blamed for how he chose to react to a certain action taken to restrict his independence.
We hope that this article cleared all your doubts as to why defiant children act the way that they do and that tips on how to handle a such a situation will come in handy!
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