I do not know what I should do.

1,214 Views Updated: 03 Oct 2018
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Okay, let me just start already as I am really looking for help.

I am an adult guy who is been on Tinder for 4 years long. I have talked to bunch of people (girls) on Tinder. The reason why I started going on Tinder is because, I felt like it is been too long that I have been feeling lonely and I came up with the idea that maybe if I get a girlfriend, she would keep me company.

Before I tell you what is happening, I need you to know that I am a nice looking guy. I graduated high school, have a job, and go to college at the same time. Since 2010, I have only had 4 friends while I was in high school. I would understand that having 4 friends is fair, because I came in the country not knowing English. So, it took me almost 2 years to be able to take care of myself alone speaking the language. I ended up losing 1 of my friends, because he started smoking weed and drink alcohol. This isn't really my type so, I kept my distance away from him. I lost another one, because she wasn't really a good friend. She was using me for how nice I was. When I do not offer help, she would get mad and leave. She only comes to me when she needs help. So then, I only have 2 friends since 2012.

Now that it is 2018, I still have these 2 friends. But, recently, 1 of them got a boyfriend and she barely talks to me now. We talk maybe every 5-7 weeks for maybe...1 or 2mns on Snapchat LOL. I am now left with one friend and that friend is a guy. Not happy about that because, I am almost 24 and it is time to start looking for a girl. I am not rushing but, I think that it is time for me to start looking for a girl.

I am the shy, anxious, nervous type of guy. I do not like to party, smoke, or drink. I am not social, because I have no friends for years. I try to stay away from people as hard as I can but can also get mad later for doing it. It is like I am looking for friends but, when people come to me, I want them to leave. I am not interested about 90% of what is on earth. If i get invited to the White House, I would not be surprised. 

The way that people talk to me is like the way that people working at a T-mobile store talk to their customer. It does not feel like there is a friendship between us. But, when they turn around, to someone else, they act like real buddies. They laugh, play around, and I just sit around smiling at them, but, I am not really happy.

So, nowadays, I am getting tired of everything. I cannot focus in school that much, I am not happy, I do not have friends, I am always home or at work, I have no one to talk to, and I am really getting tired of trying over and over again for over 8+ years and find no results.

I feel really exhausted nowadays. I just decided to live life being by myself now and giving up to everything except school. Even if I get a girlfriend (which I never had), I would probably feel noting for her tomorrow or the next week now. That's what I mean that "I am not interested about 90%..." anymore. I feel nothing. I feel numb. Now, it is 2:11AM typing this because, I cannot sleep from thinking, thinking, and thinking...Sleeping because an issue for me too for years. I cannot sleep!

What should I do, please? Do not guess. I seriously need a good answer. 


Answers (4)

Listen, mate, you need to start to communicate people more at your job. This is the way get more friends and more connections to the people. With time they'll invite you to the parties and you'll get along with them and their friends. This is the real way to meet an appropriate girl. 

I was the same shy as you but then started working at the https://sparklescarwash.com.au car washing service. Still, have a couple of good friends from there and one of them helped me to find the girl I'm in love for 2 years. 

Shyness bro..
Hope you get over it.

First, hello and welcome to America.

I understand you are anxious and concerned. Before you can begin to reach out to others, I believe you must first feel good about yourself and the place you're in right now.

So for the moment, just forget the need for a girl friend. Let's focus on being your own friend.

Take a deep breath.

Hold it.

Now slowly release it.

Feel the anxiety flowing out of you.

Look around at your environment.

Are you safe for the moment?

Are you comfortable?

It is good if you can say yes to these things because all that matters is you are safe and comfortable in this moment.

If you are safe and comfortable in this moment then you have achieved a margin of success and just think, you did it all alone, without needing a girl friend or anyone else's help.

Now, let's proceed.

Do you enjoy your work? Is there anything you can do to make work more enjoyable?

Why do I ask this?

Well, if you can find your safe, comfortable space at home, why not take this with you and add it to your work? Find your safe, comfortable space there too.

If you can do this you have just increased your success margin.

Do you see how you are advancing?

Hold on, we are getting to your most important question.

Let's say you are with me and you have found your safe and comfortable space at home and at work and now you see that you are okay. You have achieved something for yourself without needing anyone.

Now you can return to your safe and comfortable space and imagine what the perfect girl friend would be like for you.
I would concentrate on her character and personality more so than her physical appearance, but this is your life, so you call all the shots.

Imagine your ideal girlfriend and what you would say when meeting her.

Enjoy the fantasy.

Think of this often especially if it makes you happy.

As soon as you feel ready, when ever you see a girl whether at work, out shopping, whatever, just say "Hi." And smile.

Nothing more. Walk by and continue with your day. Practice saying hi to the girls that you see. Do not stop to chat, just keep going but say hi and smile. 

Say hi to everyone if you want. Do not concern yourself with the 90%, only with saying "Hi."

Always return to your safe and comfortable space each time you have an encounter.

You have added another success to your margin just by being "friendly." 

People like friendly people.

Do not concern yourself with numbers. How many people like you. How many people are your friends.

Refocus your thoughts to How long am I safe and comfortable in my safe and comfortable space?

Enjoy your own company first, then practice enjoying others with simple gestures like saying hi and smiling.

In this way you establish your comfort zone you can start from and return to, so as you get used to meeting people you have a safe and comfortable place to return to.

Perhaps you will come to realize you enjoy your own space and do not need a girl friend, and then you have the opportunity to experience wanting a girl friend instead.

On the one hand, needing a girl friend establishes a dependent relationship. Your happiness is dependent on having a girl friend.

It is more ideal if you want a girl friend. Then you are no longer dependent on the relationship to make you happy, you are already happy and seeking to share that happiness.

Do you see the difference?

From the position of want and not need, you are a stronger person which will make you less anxious and fretful over what you do not have.

I think you are facing some trusting issue because of your shyness so first resolve this matter with you by talking to a professional or if you can try to be more public and bold. I am not asking you to be the center of everyone attention but try to go to a bar or some other public place and try to interact with others slowly. that will help you gain confidence and move to the phase when you will be able to engage a girl with any kind of relation.

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