Your relationship with your parents should be one of love and affection. You should feel protected when you are in the company of the people who create you, name you and raise you. Some people go through a transition and turn completely selfless when their child is born. The purpose of their existence becomes the happiness and well-being of their child. Then there are another set of people, the narcissists.
By definition, a narcissist is someone who is consumed with self-importance, self-admiration, and pure selfishness. This person is oblivious to the feelings of others and can be extremely difficult to befriend or love. Now imagine if this person becomes a parent. How does this affect the personality and behavior of the child? It goes without saying that the child will grow up with a lot of emotional and psychological troubles, lower self-esteem and even feelings of abandonment.
#1. Identify The Problem
Self-blame and self-pity is a common feeling that children of narcissistic parents go through. This is because narcissists are so difficult to please and feel that no one but them is perfect or even good for that matter. Instead of feeling negative feelings, it is better to identify that something is wrong with your parents and not you. Narcissistic parents are usually unmindful to the feelings of their children, behave irrationally and irresponsibly without caring about the effect of their behavior on their child and are impulsive and lose their temper easily. Watch out for these signs in your parents and if they do display such behavior, understand that they are the ones at fault. Realizing that it is your parents that have a problem will put your mind and conscience at ease. Once you understand the problem, coping will be simple.
#2. Have A Conversation
The first solution to every problem in any relationship is communication. Only with communication can you reach out to your parents and tell them that there is a problem and that it is affecting you negatively. If it is out in the open, your parents may start to feel guilty and try to change themselves. This will happen only if you speak to them in a poignant and hard-hitting manner. A light-hearted conversation will be insufficient in this case. Although, beware that the narcissist parent will try to manipulate you and make you feel like the problem lies within you and not him. In this case, a conversation can be ineffective and even frustrating. Keep calm, realize the problem is beyond solving with words and try other methods.
#3. Try To Avoid Them
Your parents do not hate you, and you probably do not hate them either. The only problem is that they suffer from this personality disorder that affects you more than it affects them. As you cannot just get up and leave your parents without feeling worse than you already do, you should try to avoid them when they are at their worst. Slip out of the house or into your room when they’re saying hurtful things or acting in a complicated manner. Try to get away and stay away until either you or they are calm and busy with something else. Once back, try and have a normal conversation with them so you can feel at ease once again. A more extreme method of avoidance is moving out and moving on for good. More on that later.
#4. Find Your Happiness
Now that you have realized and accepted that your parents have a problem and will do extremely little to make you happy, you need to look for things that make you happy. Read, watch movies, play sports and do what you love to stay on the happy side of the emotional spectrum. You can even find happiness and solace in a supportive partner. Falling in love with someone who understands the problems within your family and makes you feel better about everything will be the best thing that ever happened to you. This person will be the light in your life and show you that there is a life beyond your nagging, selfish parents as well. If not a partner, even great friends can pull you out of the pit of depression that your parents might push you into.
#5. Don’t Let Words Affect You
When you have narcissistic parents to nag you all the time, emotional and verbal abuse is nothing but a given. They might say things that will hurt you to a point where you will start questioning your love for them and why they even gave birth to you in the first place. While these feelings of hurt are common and will pass, some might stick with you and lead to depression. The only way to stay away from negative feelings is to understand that words cannot hurt you. No matter how much venom they might spew at you, you know none of it is true and should not affect you. Long story short, let them say what they want to and then forget they ever said it. You know they’re saying it due to their disorder and not because of you.
#6. Get Rid Of Negative Feelings
Negative feelings are bound to haunt you when you have parents who do not spend time loving and supporting you. Instead, you have parents who talk down to you and make you feel useless. Feelings of sadness, distress, and depression are very common in children of narcissistic parents. The only way to get rid of negative feelings is to become mindful of them. Make sure you are mindful of your thoughts as well. Any time negativity begins to enter your mind, actively push it out with good thoughts. Do this by thinking about all the good things in your life that your parents cannot ruin for you. This way, you will know that the problems at home are not the be all and end all of everything. Good things can and will happen to you, only if you keep a positive mindset. Your attitude towards life can change everything.
#7. Get Someone To Talk To
If things get really bad and you cannot get rid of the bad feelings yourself, try talking to someone who can understand you. Find a friend who has been through a similar problem. Or, you can even speak to your siblings or cousins who have had firsthand experience with your parents as well. Find out how they have been coping with your parents and get advice on what you can do to feel better about yourself. Your family can help you with your parents in a big way by giving you the love and support that you miss out on. Other than family, a spouse or a lover can also help you out, as mentioned above. If none of this works, the only thing left to do is speak to a therapist and get your feelings out in the open. A therapist can suggest ways of pulling away and detaching from your parents to feel less guilty and unhappy all the time.
#8. Accept And Move On
Accept that this is what your relationship with your parents is and this is how it is going to remain. Nothing is going to change them, and the only changes that can happen are going to be from your side. Accept them with all their flaws and try to start moving past all the hurt they have caused you. If it is possible or feasible, move out of their house and find your peace in your own place to live. This way, you will be able to keep your peace of mind and also stay away from your parents. This does not mean you are completely cutting ties with them as you can still go meet them if they genuinely miss you and ask to see you.
#9. Love Them Anyway
You may distance yourselves from your parents and see them only once in a blue moon, but never let yourself develop hatred towards them. At the end of the day, they are your mom and dad and you still love them even with their flaws. Wish them on their birthdays, get them presents on festivals and let them know that even though they drove their child with their behavior, the child still cares about them and will love them forever.
#10 Become A Better Parent
When you have had such a difficult childhood and adulthood with your parents, you will obviously strive to be a better one yourself. When you have your own child, make everything better for them. Give them a much better childhood than you had yourself. Give them all the love you craved for as a child, and you will definitely start letting go of all your bad memories with your own child.
These pointers will definitely help you live a positive life despite narcissistic parents. Tell us how you coped with a narcissistic parent. Drop your comment in the comments section below.
26 Opinions
3 Opinions
