Death is considered to be a really sensitive issue to discuss with kids. So we generally feel comfortable to not discuss it at all. Death, however, is an inevitable part of living beings and we should make sure that we talk about it to our kids. They should not hesitate to walk up to us and ask questions about it.
Once we talk about death with kids, we are preparing them for an unknown crisis. Kids should know that it is okay to be upset when you lose a loved one in the family. They will not feel strange about their feelings and will be at ease with their emotions if they suffer the death of a near one. Before we begin, let's understand the hurdles we face that make discussing death difficult with kids.
We usually avoid talking about things that make us upset. Children follow our footsteps and will learn the same thing. Children are very observant and know it from our face if something is wrong. So hiding it from them will make them feel that it is something that should not be talked about with others. This will only make the kids stressed about the entire matter. Another reason that we avoid the topic of death is because we do not know much about it ourselves. So, we hesitate from the questions that the children might be having in their mind. In many cultures, death is considered to be a taboo subject that people generally do not discuss. So talking about it with our kids is all the more difficult and a strenuous task.
Kids are, at times, only able to gather the meaning of many things from what the adults talk about. Sensitive topics like death can be misunderstood by children easily. The reason is that the references to death that we use are a bit confusing. We often refer death of a family member that they "went away," or they are "resting in peace" or are "sleeping." This builds up the wrong impression of death in the minds of children. They will perceive that the person will wake up after some time or has only gone away to another place for sometime. So, it is important to let them know the true concept of death. Kids have already been introduced to death. They watch cartoons where the prince dies and wakes up again to save the world. Before they think that people wake up again after dying, it is better to share the authentic knowledge with them.
#1. Introduce The Topic
We do not have to wait for the death of someone in the family before talking to a kid about it. You can take any instance where your child can connect to the loss of someone. If your pet has died, that might be the right moment for you to explain the child about how all living beings leave the world permanently after a certain period of time. If you do not own a pet, you can give a start to the topic at the death of a bird or insect that your child sees or maybe while crossing a graveyard in your neighbourhood. Also, every child has a different understanding level. So explain according to the age and maturity of the child so that they understand it in a better way.
#2. Do Not Worry About Upsetting Them
Children realize that death is a painful subject for you and even they try to understand it to the best of their level. So do not think that talking about death will make your kids feel very low and upset. In fact, you should be patient and maintain your composure while talking about it. Make a comfortable environment for the kid, so that they can ask questions that they have in their mind. Also, they will be able to accept their emotions in a better way if you make them feel at ease.
#3. Share Your Honest Feelings
Do not try to hide or conceal facts from children as they will perceive it as something negative. What you think as protection of their innocent minds is simply ignorance of the reality. You should let them know how you feel about someone dying and it is natural to feel that. This way, kids will be able to express their emotions more easily in front of you. But remember to share things that match their level of maturity. You cannot give examples of your own death while explaining mortality to kids. This will only make them scared of death even more.
#4. Listen To The Child
We should check if the child already knows about the subject before starting out and telling them everything that is there to know. Before you ask the child what they believe that happens to the person after they die, wait for them to answer it. This will create a path for you to start the topic as you know what all there is left to explain. You should listen to any questions that the kids might have about the subject in hand. It will let you know how much to tell the kids. You can just choose to answer their questions instead of expanding the topic of death much.
#5. Be Sympathetic
Children are, at times, having wrong notions about death due to the things they hear or see around them. So telling them the truth can bring very different reactions from them. Some kids might feel excessive angst or some might not respond to it at all. Both of these need your sympathy for the child. Make the child feel comfortable and do not force them to talk about the topic immediately and discuss what they think. That might only make them feel emotionally vulnerable. So be there for them and hug them if needed.
#6. Provide Outlet Of Emotions
You can support your child by indulging them in any activity through which they can take out and unravel the emotions they are going through. It could be anything from art, craft to photography and writing. This way the kids will be able to associate the good memories of the person they have lost in good terms. It will also make them understand that even after someone has died, they still remain alive in our hearts and lasting memories. So if it is a cat that you have lost, make the kid write a few lines about how they loved her or maybe draw a card for the cat's funeral.
#7. Can Take Them To A Funeral
If you want to make the child understand how death feels and how people react to it, you should ask if they want to accompany you to the funeral you have to attend. They will be able to get a clear picture of how things work in the real world. They might have only read about deaths or maybe watched in cartoons which are far from reality. It is important to prepare the child for what they might see or hear when someone dies. But make sure that they are ready to go with you. Do not force them to accompany you if they do not want to. Children take their own pace for understanding things, so respect that.
#8. It Is Okay To Not Know All Answers
We often do not discuss serious topics with kids for the fear of facing their unpredictable questions. At time,s kids end up asking questions which seem reasonable to them, but they are very difficult for us to answer. For example, the child might ask out of curiosity that when will you die. You will be taken aback at first by this question. Do not be scared to answer that; as the kid might just be looking for a reassurance that you are not leaving them anytime soon.
#9. It Is Also Okay To Postpone The Conversation
While you are sharing what it means to die with your kid, some topics might come up which are just way too serious for the kids to know yet. So you do not have to take the trouble to lie about it to the kids or maybe tell it in a naive way. Instead be honest with them and let them know that you will discuss it later in the future when they grow up. This will give them a reassurance, and they will respect your honesty about it too.
#10. Give Information Clearly
You should be careful about the words you are using in front of kids when you are explaining a new topic to them. It is important to remember that the kids take everything literally. So if you say that death is resting in peace or like sleeping, it will only make them scared of the entire process of sleeping. They might not be able to sleep properly for days that follow. You will not want something like that to happen. So make sure that you convey the right message.
#11. Accept Kids Are Very Emotional
Look out for signs of unusual behavior after the kids have had their first experience of someone dying. They might need your presence more than usual. So, be there for them as their pillars of emotional support.
Let us know if you have any other suggestions to make kids understand about death. We would love to have your comments down below.
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I took the bold step at that moment and introduced them to the topic of death. As mentioned in the article, my kids were also aware of it somewhat. They had heard of it in the stories they read in school. I took examples from the same and explained what happens when a person gets old. I told them the cycle of human life. About birth and death. They are not scared of someone dying now because I told them that once a person dies, they are reborn again into a new world. They took this thing in a really positive way. They are familiar with what happens in funerals now after that conversation. I feel relieved that I did not just escape this topic with them. Kids are curious beings and they did ask me a few odd questions about what will happen to them when they get old. But hesitating to answer them was not the key there. I answered it in simplified terms so that they could understand it.
I cried during the funeral which my kids obviously saw. They were confused why I was sad at that time. I told them that tears were a way of grieving for someone and that I was good after letting go of my emotions. My kids have been really understanding of this situation. I consoled my kids that most of the people live a very long life and said that they will too. I promised to take care of them so they felt safe with me. If you promise them safety, they will not be scared after the conversation at all. They will be busy with playing again.