"If you live off a man's compliments/ comments, you will die from his criticism."
Sugarcoated rudeness also called as backhanded comments or compliments can at times be accidental, but they can also turn out to be intentional. "You are very tidy for a man, you are too good a driver for a woman, or you look amazing in that dress as it hides your tummy" are all sorts of compliments that we have to go through each day. Some we ignore, but the other few get on our nerves.
Certain comments are intended towards actually being humorous while the others are meant to hurt us in one way or the other. We even understand that such backhanded compliments come from people who themselves are unable to face their fears and possess lower self-esteem. However, at the end, we actually become a victim to their unacceptable behaviors. But, can anything be done when someone really tries to bring you down through a double-edged sword?
When someone offers you an insult disguised as a compliment, this is how you can respond:
#1. Learn To Recognize A Backhanded Compliment
It is very important to identify whether a comment is a backhanded one or not. You should understand that these are intentionally worded to make sure that you get confused in case you are the inattentive listener. People who give backhanded compliments open up with pretty positive and generous statements. However, they are in the habit of twisting the same and adding a phrase that changes the entire meaning of the conversation. Such statements always get to the negative side.
So, for instance, "Half of your attire looks fabulous," "I did not expect you to get the job — Congratulations!" or "I wish I was as chill as you are about all the disorder in life." Such comments are the ones that we usually keep listening to in our day to day life. But they are absolutely demeaning our existence. Although it is up to you if you want to take it seriously or not and respond accordingly.
#2. Acknowledge The Positivity
In order to show the other person that this kind of passive aggressive way of communication is pretty ineffective on you, disregard the negativity and do not acknowledge the offensive portion of the backhanded comment. For example, when someone tells you that you look terrific but will be even more beautiful upon losing the baby fat, do not get disheartened. Resort towards the positive way and respond by saying that you feel you look good today as well. And simply thank them for noticing the beauty and move on with whatever you have to do. I understand that feedbacks and criticism are essential, but don't you think sugarcoating insults in the name of compliments is not the right thing to do! It will in no way help anyone grow. But, when situations are unavoidable, soothe the same by focussing on the good part and backing off from what is not.
#3. Get In Your Sense Of Humor
You do not have to take the backhanded compliments too personally. Instead, throw it up in the air of humor and prevent the situation from escalating into a conflict. Respond to the comment with a joke, no matter if it is genuine or a sarcastic one. You don't really have to think if the comment was backhanded or not, you just need to play with your humor and get out of the critical situations. Charlie Chaplin said it right that a day without laughter is a day absolutely wasted.
#4. Address The Insult Bang On
Backhanded compliments tend to easily destroy the relationships. Therefore, at times it is okay to be direct with your approach and confront the other person regarding his/ her backhanded compliments. Snarky comments have a recurring tendency and eventually deteriorate the relationship. So, it is better to speak up if you do not want to hurt anyone or be hurt by their comments. So, when your friend compliments you about your new outfit and also tells you how it perfectly hides your belly, do not get angry with their comment. Don't ignore the situation. But make sure that you confront and tell them how the compliment they gave you about the dress is acceptable but about the belly is not. In case you do not feel okay to speak up right away, make sure you address the issue some other time. However, make sure that you do the same with politeness and do not show the other person that you are deeply affected. Some people make it fun to prick jokes at you when they see you getting affected.
#5. Ignorance Is A Bliss
At times, ignorance can be a sin. However, under certain circumstances, ignorance is definitely a bliss. Pretending to not know something is always much better than being uncomfortable knowing it. You don't always have to know the reality behind each and every conversation. Usually, this lack of knowledge would not be seen as a good thing. But when it comes to ignoring the backhanded comments, it is better to be happy and not acknowledge the truth. This makes it easier for you to avoid the other person completely or partially.
But also remember that staying silent doesn't mean that you are proving the other person right. Time and again, you will hear that silence is another way of not letting others have the power to pull you down. The response your silence gives is perfectly enough to say that you do not value other person's opinions/ viewpoints and you do not justify the same through a response. Not only you avoid having arguments, you also don't let the other person have that attention which may give rise to complications.
#6. Say Thank You
This approach holds special importance when the other person is giving you a backhanded compliment out of ignorance. But you don't have to justify any of your personal choices, especially when you understand that your response is not going to matter or help in any way. Therefore, rather than getting into any kind of debate and respond in a hurtful manner, why not just say thank you and move on? It helps you move forward easily, and you also take the higher road this way. Backhanded compliments are not worth wasting your time by responding to them. Do not let them get under your skin and affect you throughout. Expressing thankfulness diffuses the circumstances and avoids rudeness from both the sides.
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#7. Do Not Hesitate To Ask For A Clarification
If it is more than once that you have received backhanded compliments from a particular person, make sure to ask for a clarification. Simply ask them to clarify the hidden meaning behind the compliments they keep on giving. But, you also need to make sure that in this process, you are not losing your cool. So not in any way indicate towards an anger or frustration. You don’t have to give rise to a full-blown argument but make sure that you are politely asking for a viable elaboration. Do not take this personally and prevent relationship deterioration in future.
#8. Weight The Merits
Often times, the one giving out backhanded compliments present to you certain valid points. They might be packaged under insincere and/ or rude formats but make sure you analyze the merit that a particular compliment holds. If it comes from someone who knows you too well, understand that maybe this person has no intention of hurting you, but there must be some hidden message behind the same. You can, therefore, decide to ask this person what exactly he/ she mean. But, in the case where the same compliment comes from a stranger or a person who knows really less about you, understand that it holds no validity. Disregard the same when you feel it is completely pointless to be thought about.
#9. Tell Yourself That It Isn't Your Problem
When someone tries to make you feel bad about yourself, especially when it comes like a double-edged sword, understand that such people cannot ever come up to your level. They try to bring others down in order to elevate their own positions. So, it is better that you stay rooted to your ground where you actually belong. Because, backhanded comments, in a majority of times, are not your problem but someone else's. You are the one responsible for setting up boundaries for what is acceptable and what is not. Otherwise, someone else is going to do that for you, and that might not be admissible.
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