As Tehyi Hsieh has said, “Lean too much on other people’s approval and it becomes a bed of thorns.” Let’s be honest. We all have tried to become a people pleaser once in our life. Some of us still do. We all are people pleaser to some extent, and that is okay. There is no harm in trying to make everyone comfortable. Wanting to be liked and wanted is a natural human tendency. There is no shame in accepting the fact that you are a people pleaser. It is as natural as wanting shelter and food. It is very usual and relevant to please the ones who are important to us. However, when you try to please everyone, that’s where the trouble starts. In fact, some of the scholars call it a disease. Harriet B. Braiker has called it “the disease to please.” And it can actually make you ill as you desire from everyone to like and love you.
You specifically become afraid of disapproval. You start dreading being criticized. Then you think the safest way to get rid of critical judgment in a friendship or relationship is to please everyone around you. This leads to failure of speaking up your opinions and ideas as you are afraid to get rejected. It also restricts you and does not allow you to be the real person that you are.
Instead of becoming everyone’s favorite you rather become a go-to person for everyone. You become the spare option that nobody wants to become. You will be that person for everyone who will change or mold their plan according to theirs or the one who will always say yes. The label that you might always get from the people around you will be “the one who never says No.” However, as Paolo Coehlo has said: “When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you don’t say ‘no’ to yourself.”
At one point or the other, every one of us has found ourselves in a position of not saying “No” to others. This way become the slaves of the good opinions of others. The only thing which becomes the source of our respect and self-worth is keeping others happy. Sometimes we become so habitual to this that it becomes our lifestyle and we don’t even realize. In the end, we find ourselves all trapped in the materialistic pleasures of life. In the recent times, social media has also played a significant role in this where people strive to have acceptance and love from the virtual reality. Pleasing people on social media has become more important than finding water in a desert these days. Most of us invest a lot of time to establish a self-image for the other people.
Instead, people should invest that time in introspection and improve themselves and be finding their inner bliss. Inside of us lies a beautiful and powerful soul which is capable of doing everything which other human beings can do. Embracing that soul is important than putting others first and being trapped in this never-ending roller coaster ride of self-negligence. People pleasing is a state of mind which is very dangerous. The root of this problem and self-complex is greatly related to the image of us that we want to portray.
After some time, we actually believe that image to our real personality, and we start making efforts in that direction. Finally, we end up finding us in a paradoxical situation which causes nothing but sadness and pain. This vicious slavery creates self-doubt, and the self-esteem shatters immensely. Therefore, pleasing everyone will not give you anything but mental slavery. Let us explore the exact reasons why you should never become a people pleaser:
#1. You Stop Loving Yourself
When you start pleasing other people, you neglect yourself all way long. The self becomes least important to you. The self is not at all left after a point when other’s priority becomes your concern. More importantly, if you will become a people pleaser, others will not treat you the way you treat them. Initially, people admire and respect you for being with them but once they realize you are this way with every second person they will start taking you for granted. In the end, you will stop loving yourself. Your desperation to become everyone’s favorite will lead you to lose the most important thing; love to yourself.
#2. You Are Not Considered Trustworthy
When people observe that you always agree with everyone else’s opinion, they will know that it is well-intentioned. Always saying the ‘right thing’ and agreeing on everything cannot be a coincidence every time. People will know once and for all that you dress up and hide your own true opinions. This will make you appear less trustworthy as you agree with everyone without even considering your thoughts and ideas. We all hear alarm bells as humans when we sense something wrong or fake. Nobody likes an ego flatterer who can change sides according to the company.
#3. You End Up Becoming Manipulative
A people pleaser usually becomes manipulative being in the company of many people. If he/she has to please someone, they’ll have to become manipulative. In order to act according to the situation they usually behave in a manipulative way. They never try to behave originally. Manipulation becomes so natural to you that in order to please someone you manipulate them and don’t even realize. This is not a productive habit for a long run. People pleasers often lie while manipulating and all this seems natural and okay to them. However, people will feel resentful.
#4. You Have Fewer Friends At The End
There is always a fear of rejection that is deeply injected into the people who tries to please everyone. You try to please as many people as you can. Ironically, you end up having fewer friends than you thought. Since you start seeming less trustworthy and attractive to people, that will ultimately cut off from you. They very people you tried hard to attract rejects you at the end. Maybe not on your face, but from their hearts. Without trust and honesty friendship wither and dies. And no one wants to be with someone who is so vulnerable and hides their feelings.
#5. You Attract Fewer People
People usually get attracted to the people who have the strength and capability to present their personality. Individuality is celebrated by humanity these days. If someone can’t be their original self and changes colors according to the situation and people, no one is going to get attracted to you. The admiration of the people you pleased will quickly turn into adulation. This will lead to nothing but dispassionate soul only. This will make your personality and behavior weak. And strong people need the company of strong people. This will leave you in despair and shame.
#6. You Will Hate Things You Loved
Again this is something that ought to happen with a people pleaser. For example, you enjoyed making smoothies and loved them. Soon you will start making them get appreciation and love from others. You will end up making it for everyone else, not for yourself anymore. People will take you for granted as they will be aware until that time that you can’t say no. Finally, something you loved will become a chore you will hate. Moreover, you will never even know that people truly appreciate you or do that just for a free smoothie. This is your friendship left with them over time.
#7. You Fail To Please Even One Person That Matters
Everyone has a confident a close friend, a truly understanding person; even a people pleaser will have one like that. However, when that realizes that you behave in that same manner with everyone, they will think everyone is a tool of manipulation for you. Also if you don’t have that one companion, the only person true to yourself is you. As we discussed in a point above that finally other’s priorities will become your priorities, and you will stop loving yourself. Since you fear from rejection and failure, you will end up losing your own life’s importance.
#8. You Feel Less Confidence
Finally, all these things will make a change in your attitude and life. Initially, you may have a fairytale life. However, in the end, you will become alone. That will take away your confidence. Since you now hesitate to tell and express your thoughts, you may end up feeling less confident to give your true opinion. People will fear to confide in you as you only as you will tell them what they want to hear. So they never know what you actually think of them. This leads to lack of confidence of people in you. There you become less confident about yourself.
People pleasing is fine to an extent. But beyond a certain point, it becomes poisonous. We have already discussed deeply why is it so harmful for your individuality. We would love to know your thoughts about this as well. Let us know in the comment section below.
(Featured Image Courtesy: LifeHack)
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