We, humans, yearn for intimacy and marriage is where we hope to find it. The tragedy is that only a few couples achieve it, others just suffer from the pangs of feeling lonely in the marriage. Marriage is said to be a union of two souls who vow to share their sorrows and happiness, joys and laughter, love and care.
But then why do some go through loneliness in marriage? Do people fall out of love after getting married or is it just a phase that the couples need to get through to keep their love alive? Let’s find out.
As per the dictionary, isolation may be considered as a state of being alone separated, solitary or set apart. But we would like to define it as a condition where you feel excluded or you are purposely excluded. This definition is based on a profound observation of human relationships.
Isolation in a marriage infects the husband and wife such that they exclude each other from their lives; there is a feeling of distance, a lack of closeness, and real intimacy. They might share their bed, eat at the same table, watch the same TV channel and parent the same kids and still be alone. They might have sex but miss being loved, they might talk but miss the communication, and they might be living together but miss sharing their lives with each other.
We say it with a bleeding heart, but the truth is that every marriage will naturally move towards a state of isolation. The only ingredients you need to crackle your recipe of marriage is the love and energy which can nurture and maintain the intimacy in your relationship.
You feel lonely in your marriage when your spouse does not hear you out and mostly fails to understand your opinions. They form an attitude of "Who cares?" "Why try?" towards everything you say or do is a strong sign that your marriage is dragging you towards loneliness.
You are feeling lonely in your marriage if you feel disoriented while trying to please your partner or meet their expectations. You or your partner constantly feel detached from each other and can easily trace the bridge forming between you two.
Loneliness is rarely considered as a condition which calls for urgent intervention and hence ends up being ignored for a long period of time. In addition to the emotional anguish, loneliness also has distressing effects on your mental and physical health. Loneliness lowers the functioning of our immunity system hence increasing the inflammation which puts us at a greater risk of catching a cardiovascular disease. Loneliness puts us at a risk of depression and anxiety and causes us to misrepresent our perceptions of life, love and our relationships in general.
Loneliness distorts how we look at other people and makes us undervalue our relationships. We start perceiving others as less caring, less interested, and less committed than they actually are. We also start judging our relationships to be weaker and less satisfying than they may be.
We become hyperactive and alert to signs of rejection and disapproval from others and hence ignore the signs of approval and acceptance. As a result, we become overly defensive and come across as detached, aloof, or even hostile to others. This behavior is enough to push people away from you.
It is commonly believed that marriage insulates us against the feelings of loneliness but then why do people feel lonely in marriage? Loneliness is not about being alone but is about the subjective quality of your relationship. It has nothing to do with the objective quantity or whether you two live together or separately. Loneliness in marriage is a slow process and is a result of the disconnection and discomfort that we start to feel in our marriage.
When loneliness takes over your relationship, the importance of mutual interests, world events, goals and dreams vanishes, and monotony and dullness are all that is left in the relationship. The conversational become completely transactional and to the point. You often find yourself talking to your partner in the hour of need, say for reminding him to bring an extra pack of milk or to ask her to pick up the kids from school. Falling into the daily routine activities also fosters the emotional distance in your relationship. Getting used to each other so much so that you lose out on the love and affection in your marriage gives rise to loneliness. Often because of the fear of loneliness we doom ourselves to the very loneliness that we were trying to stay away from.
Feeling lonely in marriage drags us into a space of emotional isolation which leads our relationship muscles to degenerate as we fail to put them to constructive uses. In order to improve our relationship, we need to strengthen the muscles of our marriage which would require patience and practice. Taking a step for the same will make a significant difference in the quality of your relationship by deepening our connections with our partner. Here’s how you can do it.
#1. Be The One Who Takes The Initiative
If you’re feeling lonely in your marriage, there are chances that your partner feels the same. But the both of you are trapped in the cycle of emotional disconnection which is preventing you from taking the first step. Be the one to take the initiative and make a conversation, a real conversation not a transactional one. Talk about something that interests them or both of you. Make sure you listen to them out and keep active throughout the conversation. Do not expect them to get all active suddenly; it will take some time to bridge the gap that has been created in all this while.
#2. Create New Memories
Do you remember the first gift that he gave you? Your first kiss? Your first holiday together? You surely do. We all know the importance of creating memories. Memories keep the relationship alive till they do not fade. But what when they start fading? We create new ones. Yes, try to create new memories with your partner. You can do so by arranging for a surprise night movie show or by recreating your favorite date. They may be surprised or skeptical about your behavior, but just tell them that it’s all fine.
You can also start with something as basic as taking a walking in your block or helping them in preparing a meal or maybe watching his favorite show together. Such instances are sure to create new memories and rekindle the romance in your relationship.
#3. Understand Their Perspective
With time passing by, we often start taking our partners for granted and stop asking for their approval because we know it them too much. But research shows the opposite. People change with time, and so do their choices. Understanding another person’s perspective is a thought exercise which needs to be practiced thoroughly. It is important for you to gain a good understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings as it will allow you to deepen your mutual bond based on sympathy and understanding.
Do you feel lonely in your marriage? Let us know in the comment section below.
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