Sex; we read about it, we write about it, we have it and we love it, yet somehow we get nervous while talking to our partner about it. Words fail us and the only thing that remains on our mind is getting over with it soon. Everyone knows how crucial good communication is for a healthy relationship, and the same formula applies to sex.
According to a study conducted by the Journal of Sexual Medicine, approximately 30 percent women feel pain while having sex but only a small fraction of these women talk to their partner about it. So, if you have ever had a difficult time in discussing sex with your partner, you are not alone.
However, this does not mean that you shouldn’t do something about your feelings. Feeling weird or strange while talking to your partner about sex may be a common thing, but it is a problem that is not letting you enjoy your sex life to the fullest.
All your problems regarding trouble in talking to your partner about sex ends today as we will tell you what exactly you need to do in order to make your communication effective. But before we get to that, you need to know and understand the reasons why this simple discussion becomes so difficult. The biggest problem that most of us have in talking about sex with our partner is that we cannot decide what the right words to use are. We hang between whether we should use clinical terms like vagina and erection, clearly showing how awkward we feel in talking about sex or going vulgar with words that we hear high school students use and breaking down the façade of decency. Thinking what the partner would think about us makes us not want to say any of those words and ignore the conversation altogether.
Even when we think we believe that there is nothing dangerous or shameful about sex or talking about it, there could be stigma internalized in our mind that we are unaware of. We live in a society where our parents, teachers and several other people in our life tell us to abstain from sex. We might want to believe that the words we heard years ago have made on effect on you, but that could be the underlying reason why you get nervous whenever your partner wants to talk about or discuss sex.
Perhaps it is because of the cultural scripts that have taught us that sex comes naturally and there is no need to talk about it or what you or your partner likes in bed for having great sex. Two people meet, like each other, have sex without talking about it and it is great. Though we know that movies are not exactly real, we believe on some level that that is how romance and sex is supposed to be. As a result, we refrain from bringing out the topic and start believing that this is how good it is ever going to be.
Another reason that abstains us from talking about sex with our partner is past negative experiences. This one is among the most common reasons. Maybe there was a time when you did not hesitate from discussing with your partner about how you two can improve sex but something happened that has made you develop negative feelings towards. Maybe you received a bad reaction from your partner and now you think it is better not to. Or perhaps setting sexual boundaries or just being open to discussing it pushed your partner away and now you do not want to do it all over again.
Traumas affects people like we never want them to. A person who has suffered a trauma in the past can become reluctant in talking about sex even with their partner. If something is not necessary, they would ignore or avoid it as much as they can and they feel intimidated when you try to strong hand them into getting there.
As you can see, there are several things that can hinder communication required for a healthy sex life. Now that you have learned about these, here are some tips that will help you breaking the barrier and talking to your partner about the topic that you dread for now.
#1. Make A Plan
Being spontaneous may be something that you like in bed but this is not the right time for it. If you want to have a healthy conversation with your partner about sex, then you do not want to make your partner uncomfortable by catching them off guard? If you blindside your partner, they will most likely go on the defensive mode and you will never get the result that you hoped for from the conversation.
#2. Choose The Right Time And Place
You may think that right after sex or just before it is the best time to have this conversation but do you really want to point out mistakes right then and there? We are at our most vulnerable in the bed and your partner will most certainly get offended if you do so. You can pick a neutral place where both of you feel relaxed and free to talk about and clear the grievances from each other.
#3. Reminisce The Good Old Days
A sense of nostalgia about how good things once were could be all you need to take you down the road of having a productive talk about sex with your partner. You can point out what you miss from the past or how your relationship and sex life has changed in the past some time. Make them realize how your sex life has taken a dip recently and help them understand how important it is to take some corrective measures here.
#4. Refrain From Berating Or Belittling Your Partner
The last thing you want to do while talking to your partner about sex is making them feel like they are bad at it. Everyone makes mistakes and you have to understand that he or she is not a mind reader who already knows what you want without you saying it. Make this conversation about telling them what more they could do, not to berate and belittle them or what they are doing wrong.
#5. Take Care Of Your Body Language
Sometimes, our words say one thing but our body says a whole another story. You could be saying to your partner about how you can spice up your life but your body could be saying that you are not satisfied with what he or she has been doing till now. Maintain a positive body posture which says that you are here to find an outcome, not to insult them in any way.
#6. Be Clear About What You Want
We have already told you to plan your conversation and this is taking it a step further. You do not want to start the discussion and in the middle of it, not know what to say next and where to end it. Before you embark on this tough road, be clear in your mind about what is the outcome that you are looking for. So, outcome is also important for your partner to understand that there was a reason for taking part in this difficult talk and that result is going to make things better.
#7. Be Open To Your Partner’s Ideas
Talking to your partner about sex should not just be about presenting your ideas and getting them to agree and do whatever you want them to. You need to have an open mind towards whatever your partner may bring to the table at the moment. Perhaps you would get a better result that you hoped for if you just listen to your partner. Also, not listening to what they have to say can also make them defensive as you are implying that you are the boss between the two of you and dictate what happens.
#8. Make It A Habit
Talking about sex isn’t something that you carry out once and are then done with it. Communication is a process which is to be undertaken on a regular basis. Have regular conversations with your partner about how you can add more spice to your relationship. Once you do this, you will observe the tremendous effect it has on your relationship as well as sex life.
So, you no longer need to run from talking about sex. This should not be something that you dread, instead of something that is a part of your relationship. In addition to that, remember that it is not about berating or belittling somebody, but figuring out different ways to improve things in bed. We hope that our little piece of advice will come in handy for you in dealing with this problem and ultimately help in strengthening your bond and sexual chemistry with your partner.
Tell us what you think about the article and some other tips that you believe can assist in talking to your partner about sex.
Nishi
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