About 6 months ago I lost my virginity to an 18 year old guy, I'm 25 years old (female). I know how crazy this story sounds but please be as kind as you can be I'm not feeling my best. So here's what happened...
6 days prior the incident I almost died from suicide. I am someone who has struggled with depression and social anxiety my entire life. Since my early teens I had suffered from depression, but after leaving university and once I started working my depression increasingly got worse. I then became involved in the party scene and made friends with some dodgy individuals. I realised drugs and alcohol boosted my confidence so I started experimenting, but this only served to worsen my mental state. One night I decided (purposely) to take too many pills and collapsed. After blacking out for a while I came round.
Obviously after this I was feeling pretty messed up. The man in question I met randomly. I was sitting alone in a park trying to calm my thoughts and he approached me. He wanted company and asked to join me, after talking for about 20 minutes we hit it off and talked for hours. He then invited me to watch a film at his flat. I naively thought that's what we would be doing. I followed him back to his place, at this point he started kissing and coming onto me, saying how attractive I was. I was surprised and told him I didn't have sex with strangers, but we both ended up continuing anyway and it was done.
Now when I say I was a 'virgin' I did have some sexual experience such as oral sex etc, but never had a boyfriend. My mother was a strict Catholic and made me lead a rather sheltered life. I am not religious but had planned on losing my virginity to someone (my age!) who cared about me, but I was not waiting for marriage.
After this he continued to message me and asked to see me. I agreed and started spending time with him. We got on amazingly and became very close friends. I would go as far to say he is one of the best friends I have had in my life so far. After becoming friends with him my depression lifted and my confidence grew. I stopped partying and haven't touched drugs since. We turned into 'friends with benefits' however after a few months I decided to stop having sex with him because I wanted to start dating men my own age and have a proper relationship. He understood and we have remained friends. I don't see him anymore as I moved towns for a job but we are still in contact.
He is not your average 18 year old, extremely confident, more mature and sexually experienced. He rented his own flat, had slept with over 20 women 2 of which were prostitutes. I was not the first older woman he had slept with either, prior to me he had slept with a 29 and 38 year old. He is a fitness student and very tall and muscular and looks older than his 18 years. I guess mentally I was younger than my age and him older and that's why we clicked.
At the time I felt no shame, but looking back on it I feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed all because of his age. I feel like if I meet a guy I want a relationship with and he knew this he would see me as a female version of a creep? I'm starting to become depressed again because of this, and its holding me back from meeting someone. I feel like I can't move on until I have other viewpoints. Would knowing this put you off?
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