Relationships are tricky. Sometimes you want to end them, and sometimes, they end too soon for your liking. Amid all this, the one pertinent question that remains is if you should be friends with your ex.
Many people will tell you that maintaining a friendship with someone you were romantically involved with is not an easy task at all. However, given the fact that you really want to be friends with them, the major question is if you should actually be friends with them.
So, in this article, we’ll try to decode on how to stay friends with your ex and also if you should stay friends with your ex.
#1. How Much Time Has Passed?
Okay, so let’s begin our pursuit by answering this one simple question. How long have you guys been away from each other? Have you moved on in your life? We’re sure that if you guys broke up recently, the pain might still be there. However, if it has been years, then both of you might have probably moved on. In this scenario, there would be no harm to start a new relationship of friendship with your ex. In fact, studies reveal that almost 60% people in the US become friends with their ex at some point in time after their breakup. So, if it has been a considerable amount of time and you both don’t really feel for each other, then there is no harm to become friends with your ex.
#2. What Is Your Motive?
Apart from the amount of time that has passed, another major factor that decides if you should be friends with your ex or not is your motive behind it. Why do you want to be friends with your ex? If you wanted any kind of a relationship with them, then why did you have to breakup in the first place? However, many people tell that being friends with their ex gives them a sense of security of the relationship. They know that they can trust on their ex in times of need. Then, there are certain practical reasons. For instance, you two might have the same set of friends, and it is inevitable to avoid each other when all your friends hang out. If you were to go by our words, then these reasons are fine to be friends with your ex. However, if your motive behind the friendship is in the hope of getting back with your ex, then we would advise you to stay away.
And finally, we come to the most important part. How can you be friends with your ex, after the romantic relationship didn’t last between you two? Well, we’d say the best way to be friends with your ex is to be upright and honest about your intentions. You two are adults now, and there is nothing that you can’t sort by having an honest conversation about it. Having said that, there are a few things that you should never do while you're friends with your ex. Don't discuss about your new partner with them, and don't come to them as an emotional support. These things can often blur the lines of your relationship and can result in a better ending for your newfound friendship.
Why Should You Be Friends With Your Ex?
Now that you have accepted to give it a try, here are the reasons why you should still remain friends with your ex.
#1. There Was A Reason You Fell For Them
Yes, there was that one reason which attracted you towards them. They were special enough to have your time and be alive in your thoughts. So, until and unless you weren't badly deceived, their love and the understanding between you two would still exist. And just because you are no longer in a romantic relationship with them, doesn't mean that they cannot bring in that happiness for you again. You also wouldn't want to let any of those invested efforts go in vain! So, let us not just pretend to be okay when our emotions are here to stay for much longer. Several romantic relationship characteristics can easily be transferred to that of friendship by just giving yourself some time.
#2. They Know You In And Out
He/ she is the one who absolutely knows your flaws as well as the positive qualities. They are even aware of your most shameful mistake. So, this can be both positive as well as negative for you. Positive, as they understand your existence, negative because you actually bared your soul in front of them. None of you imagined yourself parting ways from that relationship. So when you have skeletons, it's better to keep them locked inside a closet and get your ex next to it for protection. However, some of the secrets that you share with this person would be good for you. They understand you in and out because of which life becomes easy. You have a helping hand and a shoulder you can always rely on.
#3. You Have Great Memories Together
You and your ex-girlfriend/ boyfriend have shared numerous milestones together. Both of you have played a key role in each other's lives and there are several experiences that you share together. You helped shape their individuality and so did they. So, to save yourself from drenching into the pain of nostalgia, get yourself comfortable with them and remember the good times you spent being together. Laugh out loud on the recalls and maybe you will see each other become better persons by carrying out a stronger friendship.
#4. They Understand Your Sense Of Humor
Why not end up being best friends when the two of you spent almost a decade sharing that one inside joke that no one really understood but it kept your stomach aching? The thought itself is so soothing! And there actually is no reason to stop you from feeling that way. You have spent hours and hours laughing on that joke when you were romantically involved with them in the relationship; why not let that also be a part of your friendship?
#5. You Don't Have To Take Down Any Of Your Social Media Pictures
Let us just face the fact that it is pretty annoying how you have to take down all your pictures right after you break up with your ex. But by staying friends with them, you have the advantage of letting those posts/ pictures stay intact. You don't have to worry about deleting any of those. A simple modification in the Facebook or Instagram caption might just solve your issue!
#6. They Become Your Relationship Advisor
What may ever be the reason for the two of you to end the romantic relationship, if it ended peacefully, let that resilience be carried forward in future as well. And even though you must have hurt each other's feelings, a defensive mechanism would prevail if love subsides. And it works from both the sides. Not only will the two of you (secretly) have each other's back, but they will also become your guardian angel. They understand you to the core and hence they know where you can go wrong or where you can excel. And this is how you as a person will never go wrong in any of your relationships if the advice comes from your ex's point of view. From dating advice to workplace horror and bedroom moves - they can guide you on just anything.
#7. You Don't Have To Pretend Being Anyone Else
When he/ she knows about you throughout, you don't really have to pretend to be anyone else. They have accepted you as who you are and without any judgment. All the nitty-gritty details are no longer their problem but they definitely know each side of yours. This way, you can easily be yourself and avoid the slaughtering awkwardness. He/ she understands where you go wrong. And this way, they can even have the advantage of saving you from getting into the troubles.
#8. You Can Still Get Along With Their Family
I remember how my ex-boyfriend's mother made a life-altering (it made me traverse to a whole new different world) pasta sauce on Saturday nights. She knew that I loved it and the two of us would hang out for shopping after the family dinner. His parents and siblings were people I started to see each day gradually. We had a bag full of embarrassing pictures along with several immeasurable memories. Break up with my ex left me devastated and I also had to part ways with the family of mine. But staying friends with my ex has literally changed my life. Knowing the fact that I and my ex-boyfriend aren't together due to our own reasons, affection from his family continues to be showered the same way as it used to be. And our bond is still so perfect.
#9. It Simply Feels Good
Why should you stay friends with your ex? One simple reason - it feels great! Plus you would not want to be amongst people who carry a list of enemies who are their ex. No one really needs that kind of bitterness in their life. You start feeling good about yourself for the reason that you are spreading around positivity. And it makes you feel mature enough to maintain that understanding for rising above the relationship's expectations. Ex'es shouldn't hate each other and that is how you maturely deal with the same.
There is a reason why you ended your relationship. Knowing what made you part your ways and still want to get back to some kind of a bonding is like exploiting and disrespecting your emotions and your identity. I understand that couples fight and they even get things back. But it totally depends upon the intensity of the conflicts and the time you've been separate for. Even though you might get your partner back and maintain friendship levels, but somewhere at the back of your mind those issues will always be there. You can pretend to smile but on the inside, you might be breaking.
#2. Chances Are That They May Still Feel Stronger For You
Breakups are rarely mutual and it is almost every time that one person feels less for the other, who also ultimately ends the relationship. Mutual endings are hard to find. So, you never know one of you might still be holding onto the hope of getting the relationship back to normal. But, the other person might not feel the same way. This is even more baseless and creates larger conflicts.
#3. You Might Fall Back For Similar Patterns
You can definitely talk about your grandma's traditional food or about the favorite songs and films. But pretending to be normal, somewhat takes you back to the breaking point. Surface level things cannot be talked about forever and the oh-so-familiar patterns destroy you. You may start criticizing each other and disagree on the same things. So, it is best that you cease the circle and let it not defeat you!
#4. Moving On Becomes Difficult
Still telling your ex about your little details of the day? Are you going on a date and feeling guilty about the same? Are you still hanging out for the most of the time? If this is the scenario, then how do you expect the two of you to move on with your lives? Post-breakup communication cannot persist without coming back to square one at some point in time. And this is exactly what hinders you and your ex's way from connecting with someone new. Each person holds his/ her importance and you don't have to restrict that flow in your life. People keep coming and going and life too goes on and on!
#5. You Need To Allow In Some 'Me' Time To Recover
The most pitiful part of a breakup isn't that it leaves you shattered but the feelings of dependency that follows. You become used to the other person’s synchronization. You are scared of being alone or without that particular person which is why you want to get back to the same circle. Re-evaluate your thoughts if you just want to maintain a friendship for the sake of not being alone. You don't have to rely on someone else for your own survival. You have to create your own individuality and that “me” space to analyze your outfalls or growth.
So, the pertinent question: should you be friends with your ex? Totally falls in your lap as to whether or not you would like to be friends with your ex. If you agree with it, share with us in the comment section below. And if you don't, let us know what you think. We would love to hear from you
(Featured Image Courtesy: Psychology Today)
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