Have you been attracting narcissists all your life? Or do you feel a weird attraction to narcissists? Attraction to narcissists may seem fine in the beginning but it eventually makes you regret your decisions. Many people believe that they are 'narcissist magnets.' They feel that if there’s a narcissist within 100 feet of their area, they’ll surely attract them.
If that happens for real, then you probably keep asking yourself questions like “Why do I attract narcissists”? Or “Why am I attracted to narcissists”? “How can I stop attracting a narcissist”? If you face this problem, then we might have some answers for you.
Firstly, it may not be that you attract more narcissists than other people, but you might just be keeping more of them to yourself. A narcissist can be charming and funny in the beginning, but the smoothness feels a bit too polished after a while. Having a conversation with a narcissist may feel like jazz music, punctuated with figurative appoggiaturas, trills, and gruppetti. Many people who lack the knowledge of narcissism will politely unfasten themselves from the relationship because the trouble of catering to their partner’s needs outweighs any possible benefits.
Most narcissists will lure you in with the "woe is me! The world has it out for me," stories, which will tug at your heartstrings. They make you feel sad and pity them. Narcissists eventually start exhibiting their controlling behavior. They may comment on your clothing or ask you to change. A narcissist can even make vaguely threatening comments. They might tell you that your friends and family don't want what's best for you and are therefore trying to hold you back. If you are attracted to a narcissist, you’ll notice that if you start to ask questions from a narcissist about the topics of his or her interest or expertise, they'll either recite a textbook answer or try to convert the conversation around and make it all about themselves. If you wish to stop attracting a narcissist, do not let someone infringe on your boundaries because it only invites them to do it again. As a result, you become numb to that behavior that you would have never accepted in the past.
If you believe that you cannot stop attracting narcissists, then you need to work on your choices. Although we do not doubt your choices, you can always try to make things work out. Here’s how you can do it.
#1. Do Not Make Excuses For Abusers
Just be careful about not defending their behavior in any case. It is natural for you to fall into the words of a narcissist if you are in love with them and hence you agree to accept and abide by their weird comments and suggestions. Don’t let those things affect you. As partners, you’d obviously we involved with their families and will have to adjust to their behaviors. But do not find excuses to defend the abusers because by doing so you are only letting them abuse you further.
#2. Take Care Of Yourself
Being with a narcissist will definitely make you feel inferior and low esteem. Don’t let that affect you. Narcissists are honest and upfront about their opinions. But it is only with time that those comments start taking a toll on your mental and physical health. Instead of paying attention to your flaws, start taking care of yourself and let others take care of you too. You may be a strong person but you’ll have to learn to say ‘yes’ to offers for help.
#3. Stick To The Red Flags
Narcissists have multiple ways to hook you, but there are always warning signs. You just need to pay attention to them. One of the most prominent signs of a narcissist is that when everything seems to be conspiring against someone, they’ll always be the first to tell you about it. To know if you are attracting narcissists, ask yourself a few questions to clear your doubts. Have you ever ended a relationship because your partner was too selfish? Do you have clear boundaries when it comes to what types of behaviors you will or will not tolerate from your romantic partner? Do you end up being devalued? Are you making excuses for the other person’s bad behavior? Will you leave immediately if the person’s behavior turns abusive?
#4. Don’t Get Carried Away
Anyone who’s been with a narcissist talks about the same story. They recount of being flattered, wooed, and swept off their feet. A narcissist will make you feel like you're the only person in the world. They might also talk about 'the future' in a vague way, which puts you in a situation where you cannot pin down any details, but somehow they seem to be 100 percent sure of the future. They will keep dropping the future in front of you, tricking you into committing your energies by making you believe they're in it for the long run.
Our advice: Don't be fooled by the love-bombing narcissists because they will 'shock and awe' you into submission. They'll go to great lengths and perform grand gestures to impress and disarm you. Take things slowly. Don't let them bulldoze you.
#5. Set Your Rules From The Very Beginning
Narcissists have a way of coming across as generous and kind. They wine and dine you. They will tell you exactly what you are longing to hear. It’s just about you. But that’s just for the looks. They will make you believe that everything’s done for you but in reality, they are the ones making all the calls.
Pay attention to how they react and when there is something you want just express it. Start with small things like expressing your wish to go to a restaurant you’d like to try or maybe ask them to change the time for the date or call you at a certain time. It’s easy to be fooled by narcissists because they can be very good givers as long as it’s something they want to give you. They might want to hang out with their friends, but not yours or take you where they want to go, or where they have no trouble expecting favors from you. The last thing a narcissist wants is someone who expects to have their needs met.
#6. Don’t Let Them Rush On You
If your narcissist partner comes on strong and fast about what they can do for you or how much they like you or how good you are as a couple, take a step back. We call it love-bombing and narcissists are great at it. Love bombing is nothing but an attempt to influence a person by grand demonstrations of attention and affection. It works because it feeds into your fantasies and sweeps you off your feet. Their charm and intensity can be intoxicating and will make you feel adored and taken care of. Trust us, it is temporary. No matter how good it feels, love bombing has nothing to do with love. It has to do with them getting what they want by playing mind games.
Keep both your feet on the ground, go slow and make sure that your head dominates your heart.
When you doubt that you are getting love bombed, pay close attention. Is it all about your narcissist partner getting what they want? Tell them that you need to slow it down and get to know one another before making any plans or promises. The narcissists will simply keep trying to manipulate you to get what they want.
Do not allow yourself to get caught up in this romantic fantasy. Narcissistic people are qualified heartbreakers. If it seems too good to be true, then it just might be.
Have you ever been attracted to a narcissist? Have you not been able to stop attracting a narcissist towards you? Is it a rocky road? We would love to know your stories. Do share your experiences with us in the comment box below.
10 Opinions
Well, who knows it better than the one who dated the flag bearer of all other narcissists? Yes, right. I dated this guy back in my college and he was a narcissist, I wish I had known that earlier. We started dating in the very first year and I found him very charming. He was well dressed, spoke well and was full of manners, like a true gentleman. You may call it a strong attraction or a weird infatuation, but I wanted this guy the very moment I met him. He was a friend of my friend and that’s how we met. I think he was attracted to me too and so we started catching up for lunch breaks and even started hanging out together. He was smart, well read and was a total woke. He knew all about the latest news, the upcoming movies, the best places to eat and literally everything. He kept advising each one of us about how to improve our skills and I kinda liked that about him.
He was honest and most of the times quite blunt about his opinion which I adored. We went into a relationship a few months after we met. It just seemed as if he were madly in love with me because everything he did was done for me. He literally swept me off my feet on my birthday when he surprised me with a grand romantic gesture. I was madly, deeply, insanely in love with him. I loved everything about him until I finally came out of my bubble.
Because I was in love, I never cared about who does what for whom until we both were happy. But then suddenly thing started changing. As I mentioned earlier, he was good at picking up the best places to hang out at and therefore I just agreed. It was all good when I agreed to what he said , but the moment I tried to put forward my suggestions, he would always backfire and disapprove of them.
It didn’t happen just once, but several times. It was frustrating. He kept postponing my ideas saying that we’d go there later and made me do what he wanted to. That’s when I realized that I have been involved with a narcissist who has always been self centered and everything has been about him. Those surprises and grand gestures were just a bait to fool me around and keep things going.
However hard I tried, I could not make things work any longer. I reached my saturation point within two years of our relationship and ended up on a bad note. He tried to convince me to stay but I knew that things could no longer work with us.
The breakup was mentally exhausting but yet was the best decision I have ever made. You cannot recognize a narcissist in the very first go, but the moment you do, it is better to just run away. Compromising in the relationship just to make your self-centered partner happy will prove to be a bad idea in the future.