If you are a person who has a subconscious feeling that ultimately you always end up ruining the best things that you get in life, then you are in the right place. In order to become a better person, you come up with new ways to improve yourself. However, you cling to the thing of your affections even harder this time. As a result, you inevitably end up acting out in aggressive ways and break the heart of your loved one.
You feel utter shame, but you have no idea why you behave in that way. It is almost like someone else is getting inside your head and making you do all those things. But in reality, it is just a tactic that you have learned to cope with stress and painful moments. There are various reasons why people act out on their partners and end up destroying their relationships. You have to find out why you cannot handle your own feelings. It might have been triggered by something that happened in the past. Most likely it can be something from your childhood or related to your parents or any traumatic event. You learned the wrong ways of dealing with sadness which have to be corrected by you and not allow it to sabotage your relationship. We will first share some common causes of why people try to ruin their relationships without much reason.
People, who had a childhood full of fighting and chaos, associate themselves with messy situations. They have become used to living around these scenarios now. So, they try to duplicate the same in their own lives as well now. You need your relationship to be destructive to get the feeling of love. So, you fight and argue. Then you come back to your senses and apologize for hurting your partner. But in truth, this is how you feel safe and loved. To add on to this, if you were the "bad kid" in your home, then you are still attached to the feeling of disappointing everyone. You were always expected to lie, cheat, be selfish and abnormal. So, you are still playing the role your family handed over to you when you were a kid.
Another major reason why people sabotage relationship is the fear of abandonment. You might have lost someone important in your life suddenly or through natural ways and this has impacted you immensely. So, your mind has become adapted to that feeling. Every time you become attached to someone, your mind tells you that they are not staying for long. The feelings of loss overrun any feelings of intimacy. Therefore, you act out of fear and do something destructive because you are comfortable with the pain. But you still want a romantic relationship. So the pulling and pushing keep going on. But how can you stop this behavior? We will help you with some tips because we know that you really must adore your partner to lose them from your life. Let us begin.
#1. Accept Your Fault
Ego is the most harmful thing in a relationship and should be kept aside during disagreements. If you have realized that you are the one at fault, there is no harm in coming forward and accepting it. If you practice this behavior, even your partner will consider doing the same. Accepting that you were wrong is not going to kill you or make you small in your relationship. Your partner will love you more for being honest.
#2. Stop The Blame Game
You both know what you did from your end that caused the problem. So why pretend not to know it? You should avoid throwing all the blame on the other person when things go haywire. You will save yourself from the argument once by using this lethal weapon, but it will only make the understanding worse between you two. Both of you should agree on taking responsibility for your actions. So, blaming the other one and pinpointing can be avoided as it only makes the matter even more miserable. You can practice it to set an example for your partner too and wait to see how they respond the next time.
#3. Know What Triggers You
Often, our behavior is related to things that have happened to us in the past. So ask yourself, how is the situation similar to something that has already happened. Find out the similarity in the present and the past to know where you need to make amendments. Maybe your partner acts in a particular way which has had bad outcomes in your life before. So, you try to avoid them or act in aggressive ways to stop them. Here's a tip for you; try to be less reactive when you notice this pattern.
#4. Practice Self-Love
As we already know, we cannot love others unless we love ourselves. If you really want to save your relationship, you must cultivate self-compassion. It is especially essential for the people who have low self-esteem. If it is hampering your relationship, you should work on ways to improve this. You can meditate every morning and see how you have done so far. Realize that you are worthy and capable of having a loving partner. Let yourself know that you can do good in life and move closer to a healthy relationship.
#5. Be Open To Other Perspectives
You cannot find enough solutions if you are stuck with your own opinion to seeing things. In order to get a better understanding, you have to start looking at the world from other's perspective. You have to think how your partner is feeling about the situation if you want to make it better for them. You will be able to know them in a better way by doing this. This will make your bond stronger and will help you have a long-term relationship with them.
#6. Do Not Go Off Topic
This is a very natural act where people, when arguing, bring something completely irrelevant into the conversation. From talking about cleaning, you suddenly jump to why your partner is not giving you enough time. You can never find the solution to the original problem because you are suddenly burdened with all these new issues along with it. So, if you notice that the conversation is going away from the main topic, try to bring it back. Do not go the next topic unless you have found the desirable results for the first one. This will be really helpful and will not sabotage your relationship.
#7. Stop Giving Advice Always
It is natural for you to feel the urge to solve the problems of your loved one. But at times they are not looking to get the solution from you. They just want an open ear to hear them out. You are only cutting them off from speaking further if you offer the solution and ask them not to worry. So, be patient and listen to what they have to say. Only share your advice on it if they ask you to. Otherwise, stop at showing empathy and letting them know that you are with them no matter what happens.
#8. Avoid Taking Revenge
We all have done this at least once in our relationship. We want to get back at our partner for making us feel bad. If they made you feel bad for going out with your friends for a late night party, you would try to do the same thing when they go out with their friends the next time. Although it feels good when you do that, it just creates a gap between the two of you. So, avoid doing things that you do not like about each other. Also, try not to take revenge. Instead, peacefully convey your feelings.
#9. Be Specific About Your Needs
Try to have a good communication with your partner. Do not just assume that they will be aware of what you need. Your partner can love you, not read your mind. You should sit down and discuss your needs so that you have a better picture of your partner's needs and desires. If you want to go out for dinner, you should tell your partner about it. Do not just give hints and expect them to understand it. High expectation from them will ruin things between the two of you. Be specific about what you want from them.
If you have already realized that you need to make some changes in order not to sabotage your relationship, then you are already in a better position than before. Just remember that all relationships experience hell, real relationships get through it. A real relationship is two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other. So follow these tips that we have shared and we promise, you will able to improve your relationship with every effort you make.
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