Separation from your spouse can be one of the most devastating experiences of your life. Sometimes, the grief can be so overwhelming that you convince yourself that you cannot be happy again. This is a big change, and you are more cautious now than ever because you need to take into consideration the feelings of your child before you make a move that will have fresh repercussions on him or her.
No parent wants to expose their child to hurt or grief, but the emotional challenges that you can overcome easily may not be as easy to overcome for your child as he or she is yet to form an outlook that one lives by. Time management becomes really important when one has to perform the duties of being a parent and laying down the foundation of a new relationship. The first step towards reigniting your love life is to accept yourself as an individual instead of a parent or a divorcee. When you do this, you will not feel that you are a selfish human being but consider it as a step which is necessary and important in order to take care of your kids as you can only care for others after you take care of yourself.
#1. See If You Are Ready Or Not
The end of a relationship feels like breaking of an important thing that was prepared with a lot of consideration and hard work. Once the relationship is over, the memories and the leftover bits make you re-examine your actions all over again. Therefore, now when you are thinking of starting another relationship, it is important for you to decide whether you want to date to share deep intimacy with someone or just to get a support system in your life. It is very important, to be honest with ourselves and figure out if you are thinking of dating alone due to the fear of being alone, hopeless and miserable or because you want to ignite new bonds.
#2. Don’t Plan Too Much
You have already been through this, the heavy planning and trying to schedule your future actions so that nothing unexpected happens and to deal with only the things which are expected. Lock your control freak inside the house when you go out and just take the first date as the first date in the same fashion when you used to go out on dates with the intention of not having a serious relationship for a while. You need a certain breathing room as a single parent because you have just stopped caring deeply for two people- your child and your partner and this can only come when you involve yourself with the new person at a slower rate giving the child more importance.
#3. Pick The Person Carefully
You need to talk a lot and size the person you are thinking of going with well before you actually make a move. The time you will give your date will be time spent away from your child, and if you are not enjoying on your date, the guilt that you suppressed with much difficulty will rise up and wreck your mood. Make sure that before agreeing to a date you evaluate your relationship with the person whether he makes you laugh or not and does he get offended too quickly or taunts you after you taunt him with none of you getting offended because both of you can see the grand scheme of things? The sparks of compatibility never go unnoticed, but one should admit to oneself when they are not there so that you don’t spend more time where less will do.
#4. Let ByGones Be ByGones
You cannot talk about your divorce or what a cruel person your spouse was or how you had to take a knife to your heart to do this to your child and your partner to everyone. One of the most common mood spoiler on the first date can be the past which when talked about can spoil the mood of both the people involved and that of the person who you have come on a date with as some stories need to stay buried for long before they come out.
#5. Arrange For Your Child
You can be present at the place yet absent if you keep worrying whether your child is okay or not at home. One way in which you can ensure that your child is okay and very well cared for is appointing a person who you know will never turn their back on the child and will provide good care to him or her. Recruiting a responsible babysitter when you are out on your date can be quite a hassle, but after a few attempts, you will get the picture of who is best suited for the role. It can be the one your friend hires or your relative who is also a close guardian. This will keep you in an emotional equilibrium and help you focus on your date.
#6. Have Some Me Time
It is very important to spend some time with yourself now and then so that your feelings are not always overpowered by the one you are with. If you alternate between your date and your kid and when you are not with them you are at work, this tight schedule is a recipe for a breakdown as you will always feel that you are short of time. A chance to be at peace with your thoughts and embracing your own being will give fresh energy to the self-assertion that you are good just the way you are. Whether it is to tackle being a single mom or to handle your kid as a single father, you can do it all if yourself are satisfied with your life.
#7. Don’t Mince Words
How do I deliver the truth without hurting the other person is a conundrum which has troubled many people and sometimes when we don’t deliver things directly we can come across as unclear in what we are saying. Tell the other person about the position and involvement of your ex-spouse in childcare. When we conclude difficult experiences strongly we limit the bitterness they create in us when we revisit them.
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#8. Don’t Be Too Eager
If you are too eager and want things to happen quickly because you are afraid that your date will find out something that will turn out to be the dealbreaker you need to understand that hard and exact facts are necessary for the continuity of a relationship. You cannot keep secrets with a person who you start seeing daily. So, you need to be honest and set aside all your nervousness to avoid putting pressure on the person and over-committing yourself. You can always overcome the challenges of being a single father or a single mother but do not let it come underway of your date.
#9. Invite Them Over
After a few dates have happened and it seems like what both of you are doing is working out then one must acknowledge that it is the right time for a big move. You need to give them a glimpse into the kind of life you are living so that they know what they are getting into. Fights and arguments occur in every relationship, and they can be avoided as you realize later that it was nothing more than a burst of irrationality. Your new date has to visit your house at least once so that he or she can completely take in what is about to come next. Spending time with your child or just seeing him can send chills down their spine or arouse a feeling of love and compassion in their heart.
#10. Tell Yourself You Are Capable Person
You have to remember that life is not one event but a series of events. Even if the outcome of one event did not go as you wanted it to go, it should not make you think that you are not a strong person or capable of being happy again. Looking after your own needs when you have a child is a big task which can penetrate the heart of any parent. However, you need to balance the amount of care you give to yourself and your child and not feel like you are doing some grave injustice by satisfying your needs. Life is a desire, not meaning, so you owe it to yourself to fulfill your desires.
Tell us what challenges you face dating as a single parent. Drop your comments in the comment section below.
10 Opinions
I was so depressed when my wife left me that I thought of committing suicide as I kept reliving the resentment over and over again. I kept having sick thoughts in general of either hurting her or myself and for the initial few years she had our child in her custody and those days were even worse as I picked fight with any person I found near me. My friends and relatives had started avoiding me and my work was also suffering as the sabbatical I took from work had long passed its date. I just could not grapple with the idea that what is the exact responsibility of a parent and how difficult growing up will be for our child as she will have to travel back and forth and will not be able to have a fixed family setting that she can grow comfortable in. I did not know what to do
with my life and taking care of my child was taking a toll on my savings and I kept botching up the interviews which were lined up for me as I was too nervous of being judged as a single parent and if that was not it, it was the fear of the interviewer finding out that I was lying about my personal life. I met a girl when I was coming back from my job which I landed after numerous attempts and I did what no person should do on their first state. I told her every single detail of my life in brutal fashion and to my surprise she took great interest in how I reacted to situation sympathizing with me over my moments of self-pity and giving my confidence a boost by telling me that I can bounce back from this. I was never the kind of person who would seriously think of hurting himself so when I said what my stupid brain was thinking about out loud and saw the girl’s reaction I burst out laughing so hard that I felt a tinge of that old enthusiasm which told me I can be myself again. We spoke a little after that and I made some advances on social media platforms which were met with the same enthusiasm. Wow this girl was really into me even after learning I was a single father and one night when I called her home to introduce her to my daughter she was overjoyed. Together the three of us had so much fun and while she kept my daughter busy I had time to put more time into cooking and serve a good meal the type I had always enjoyed. It was not easy but when I persisted with the plan I made and used some time from my schedule to really look after my own needs I was less bitter overall. Being a single parent can be pressurizing but one has to know that you can never give up on hope as long as you are alive and children usually forgive their parents for choosing them at times just as much as parents forgive their children for choosing what they want.