I've been unemployed and living at home for 4 months now and I hate it.
I was studying at college and was supposed to be doing honors this year but I had a crash in self-esteem and within a week had gotten rid of most of my belongings, quit my job, found a replacement for my flat and moved cities (to live with my parents).
The crash in self-esteem has a history of petty and also not-so-petty shit that is long and complicated, but the gist is that I find myself constantly comparing myself to everyone, believe that since I have no idea what I want out of life, and never really have, that going to college in the first place was overreaching and that I'm not capable of maintaining a lifestyle befitting a college degree (eg: the only jobs I'll be able to do and not get fired from are cleaning, babysitting or flipping burgers). All of this is problematic. And I know it.
Context: in the months/weeks leading up to me leaving the city I loved, my friends, dropping out of college and quitting my job that had a lot of perks, I went through a ton of not so great stuff:
So. Now on top of that drama I was also looking at maybe not studying??? Full-time work??? Also on top of that I was very strapped for cash because my job, based on events, had fallen through on several shifts, meaning that I was a couple hundred down from what I'd expected.
I started looking for other work but my soul wasn't in it - I applied and would get up to the interview process then drop out making some excuse about being sick or unavailable. I started to spend days sitting in my room trying to hide from my flatmates, my friends and my then boyfriend. The thought of having to go outside made me feel nervous, to the point where I would barely speak, which for me isn't normal because I'm a big talker.
Now I live at home with my mom except there's a problem - I hate living with her.
When I was in high school I hated living with her too and there were actually several occasions where I'd have to live with friends of the family because we would get in to really bad arguments to the point where I'd run away or she would threaten to kick me out. We just have very different ways of looking at the world and of living in the world.
While I was living at college though things got so much better between us - to the point where we could even have hour long conversations on the phone and when I would come home to visit I'd actively take over the role of 'mom' and do all of the cooking, most of the cleaning/chores that my younger sisters wouldn't do. We got along.
Now, however, I can't seem to stand her again. Just hearing her makes me feel annoyed or like just makes me want to make fun of her. I know I'm being a total bitch with this, but this is just how I feel.
My mom doesn't have a job right now and hasn't had a proper job in years. She just can't get employed which is tough, I know it's tough looking for work, but the thing is she doesn't do anything.
She barely cleans: there's always a massive mound of washing piled high on one of the couches, the kitchen is cluttered with random stuff that does NOT need to be there (jars, containers, empty yogurt cups, bottle tops), there are dozens of random boxes around the house that she keeps for the kids to do art with but just take up a lot of space needlessly, bags and bags AND boxes of opshop clothes she goes out and buys for cheap claiming to give them out to families in need. I'm not saying the clothes thing is a bad idea, but it's just one example of how she hoards things because she has this great idea but never completes it. She also buys random baby products for this one woman she knows who has a baby because she wants to help her whenever she comes to visit. Everything is so cluttered in every single room of the house it is INSANE.
To top it off, there's a massive mouse infestation. The room that I'm currently staying in also has a massive array of boxes and containers on one side of the room full of just STUFF that my mom swears is important to her. Amongst this wall of stuff are mice. Plural. I know, because I hear them rustling and nibbling at the boxes every single night. I try to move the boxes when I can to find them or scare them off. But there are mice everywhere. Food in the pantry left outside of a container turns up with holes nibbled in it. Rat poo lines every single shelf of the pantry, as well as some of the drawers including the cutlery drawer.
Now here's the thing - when I moved out and went to college I realised that I'm actually a very tidy person when it comes to living areas. My room can be messy (not dirty, messy), but the kitchen, bathroom and lounge HAVE to be tidy and CLEAN. If it's not I feel stressed but in a way where I switch off and want to hide away from it.
LIVING WITH MY MOTHER WHO IS MESSY AND LAZY MAKES ME FEEL THIS KIND OF STRESS DAILY. The mess and clutter around the house alone makes me not want to leave me room, because looking at the mess just makes me angry. It's not just that I don't want to have to tidy and clean it all by myself, it's also the fact that there's just so much SHIT that my mom INSISTS has to be in the house that it feels constantly overwhelming.
On top of the general messiness and hoarding, my mom just annoys me with her mannerisms, the way she talks and just generally lives.
She's catholic. Fervently, fully catholic. To be fair she's not homophobic and she's not judgmental of non-catholic people. BUT. She constantly watches this channel specifically catering to catholic people. Catholic news. Sermons. Catholic tv shows and movies. Catholic music. And she doesn't work - but mostly just lies on the couch (the one that doesn't have the giant pile of washing on it) all day watching this one tv channel.
Now I myself am not catholic. I was raised as one, but half way through high school just realized it wasn't for me. I have nothing against catholic people - I have quite a few catholic friends. BUT. It's the WAY my mom lives her life with her catholic ways. She's just constantly all about God and not in a good way.
Eg: she will constantly say "pray about it" without any advice about taking any real action about whatever "it" is, as if praying to God about it will make it happen all by itself. No. Real life action also needs to happen. This is just one example of how she say things saying that God will take care of it but doesn't do anything about it herself. She just thinks that believing in God will make the holy spirit come and help you and inspire you to get it done or that God will bring people in to your life every single time to help you with whatever you want.
She talks to herself and makes little noises ALL the time but ESPECIALLY when other people are around. Talking to yourself is normal yes, but the way she talks to herself when people are around is definitely more of a passive "I want to ask you this or talk to you but I don't want to do it outright so I'll just talk around you until you feel pressured to talk to me". This might sound ridiculous and an example isn't coming to mind right now but I swear she does this with everyone almost every single time she's with someone. On top of that she's always making over the top noises, like yawns that are just obviously loud, sighs, random ditty like things. But she only does these when she's around other people. Maybe this seems like I'm nit picking her and am being overly sensitive but honestly it's something you have to experience for yourself - because all of these things paired with when she does them always seems like attention seeking. Like she needs someone to pay attention to her and talk to her and acknowledge her being there. It's cringey how needy she comes off as. I really can't stand it.
So this is what I live with. I know it doesn't seem like a lot but I honestly hate it. When she's home I don't even want to go to the shower let alone to the kitchen. If I know she's going out I'll try to time having food, going to the loo and showering when she's gone. I just don't feel comfortable around her because I don't want to talk to her. I honestly can't stand her - which I know is awful because she's my mom. But I just hate it.
I'm also skint broke (from travelling home, buying my own food if there's not enough in the house and general toiletries) and since I threw out 80% of my belongings when I moved because I had to take a plane, I barely have any clothes. I have one interview worthy outfit that I bought with birthday money a week ago. The rest are random clothing items that I just threw in a bag.
To be honest when I left my old house, I was seriously contemplating suicide. I honestly wanted to come back to my parents' house to die, thinking that that way at least it would be easier for them to bury me instead of having to move me from a city hours and hours away. Because I know I can't live with mom - I know I can't. But back then I wasn't thinking about any of that. I just wanted to die. I pretty much still do want to die. It's just that I hate the idea of being in pain more - or worse, failing and coming back with brain damage or a fracture spine. Anyway that's why I randomly threw out most of my stuff without thinking as well. It's also why I spent most of the first month home in and out of counselors' offices and psych wards getting diagnosed with depression by one doctor, by being bipolar by another. I was prescribed citalopram but honestly I barely took it for a week. I would forget and eventually just gave up taking it.
Point of ramble:
- I spend most days in bed watching shitty tv shows (hypocrite when talking about my mom I know) - how do I get over my shit?
- Never been one for sports or exercise (I'm practically obese and ridiculously unfit)
- I hate the suburb I'm living in because it's full of obnoxious ghetto gangster wannabes
- I have barely any clothes or shoes and don't have any money, so I feel like going outside and wearing out my shoes etc would be stupid if one day I got an interview but then my only good pair of shoes had holes in them (all of my shoes are either scuffed and show obvious signs of wear and tear or are bad quality that would wear out quickly if I wore them all the time)
- I hate having to interact with my mom or anyone to be honest, mainly because I don't want to have to answer questions about why I dropped my degree, why I can't get a job, what my plans are etc etc