We are all really, really terrified of a change.
Maybe this is one reason why we all love photographs. To think that the captured moment is perfect makes us so weak in the knees. All you can think of is, wanting to relive the moment over and over again.
When you think about your significant other and how they are changing, you are lost in the past and think about all the moments you spent together which ends up breaking you. To think that the one person you loved, you chose to spend the rest of your life with, the one you married is now changing, slowly makes you want to give up on everything.
But guess what: Everything changes. The water you sipped when you woke up that felt so cold but eventually became warm, the weather even though seemed sunny in the morning yet later showed signs of rain, finding that you like purple color but disposing a dress far ahead because it is purple, deciding that you need to start dieting but searching for food because you feel hungry, wanting to talk to a friend about your heartaches but deciding you don’t want to bother them.
Changes are normal because they occur every now and then. From time to people, everything is ultimately altering. What actually “changes” our life is how well we adapt to these changes.
But love? Well, love is pretty constant. What actually changes is the perspective of how you both used to love each other. Perhaps your love changed from connection to disconnection. Closeness to distance, maybe your husband has become difficult to reach, both emotionally as well as physically and you start to think that your marriage is beginning to fall apart. No!
The idea that “love” changes due to marriage is quite wrong. Love doesn’t change. It merely adapts. Because a love that can adapt is the only love that can survive.
Also, it is fair to say that it isn’t marriage that changes how we feel “love” as a relationship evolves, it is simply time.
For most people, the early stages of a relationship are marked by a feeling more aptly described as infatuation, not love. It has a strong chemical component and is marked by significant changes to brain chemistry that lays emphasis on other’s positive attributes and de-emphasizes on the negative ones.
However, love is more of a decision. We love someone when we choose to emphasize their needs and desires of our own. When two people truly love each other, a strong, long lasting and intimate relationship forms. True love takes time to deepen.
When two people are fully aware of each other’s positive traits and also their flaws and nonetheless they still decide to build up a stronger bond together, marriage is unraveled. A mature love relationship requires involvement, most importantly commitment, partnership and children. When two people who love each other and decide to give their love a new level, “marriage” they are placed with new demands.
A successful marriage is built on trust and being there for each other no matter how hard the situation gets. Let’s be honest. This is definitely not a fairytale so there will be fights, bad days, cold wars, endless shouting and dozens of other things which could end up wounding the marriage bond.
If you think that your partner is drifting away, take action instantly. Ask yourself what commitment means to you. It means putting you have out on the table to make the relationship work.
People change. Your partner changed overtime and so did you. Instead of wanting to change your partner’s actions and picking out flaws in them, your main focus should be yourself. Your attitude, the way you behave, the words you speak, your energy all are things you have total control over. If you tend to make a change in your relationship, your main focus should be your actions, how you react to when your partner is in a state of stress, how you behave when your partner is broke, what you actions are when your partner is sick. All of it counts. The other might not say anything but this would surely leave a big mark on their hearts. They tend to become closer when they see you are trying your best not to give up.
A healthy marriage is based on communication. If you are in the middle of a fight and your partner is continuously shouting, you need to make a difference. Instead of shouting back at them, you should stay quiet and maybe get them a glass of water, coffee etc. After your partner’s rage has cooled down, try to talk to them calmly.
Learn new ways of communication through kindness. Of course, you are a human too. You are not a robot who would never react to anything. You are allowed to show your dark side as well but pick out healthy ways to express your disappointment, anger, stress or frustration. Always be honest, authentic and loving. Try to remain soft spoken at all times. This way you open a soft corner in your partner’s heart.
Most importantly, talk. If there is something that has been bothering for a long while, try not to bottle it up inside of you. Always say it out loud but be gentle. Keeping things inside your head all the time is likely to create misunderstandings which could prove to be a negative factor for you marriage. Once you spill the beans, you and your partner will come up with a solution and eradicate any misunderstanding created.
If you are struggling with your marriage, think about how you felt when you first met your partner. Think of all the traits that you fell in love with. Revive all the moments and all things you were once attracted to. It will help you erase some bad memories. It actually works. Think how you used to fight for each other, or how long you both would stay up just so that you could see each other’s face or hear each other’s voice. Think about all the secret little rendezvous you absolutely adored. Think of how much you actually love the way your partner annoyed you for no reason, how much you loved birthday surprises. Think about times when you both cared for each other. Isn’t it a relationship worth fighting for?
Love is not just a vehicle that brings happiness or contentment to your life. It has some bad sides too. Love is a living dynamic creature that grows and needs your attention. You must not overlook it and nurture it.
The overrated problem of “marriage changes love” is a mere misunderstanding. Of course marriage is a big responsibility. Body still aches, the boss will stay angry and life will not always show you green days. But you can change what people think. Love can make a difference. It is not the big things that count, but little subtle moments that make a difference. Love will always find a way out of the dark. You need to be such an exemplary model of love that one day your children want grow up and follow your love steps.