What is the proper way to go about this?

290 Views Updated: 25 Jun 2018
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   So for the last few months, I've been having a very hard time figuring out my gender identity. I'm 20. During that time, I've referred to myself, in secret, as non binary-queer. Tonight I told a great friend about it. 

   I'm just really confused. I'm the type of person who may disagree with someone's views yet will respect and love the person regardless. 

   I have a male friend, known him for nearly 4 years now. I know he likes me because I've gotten that look many times before from other people. Thing is, I'm not interested, at all, in relationships. I'm afraid he's going to ask me out. I don't want to hurt him, but I'll have to say no. I feel like I'll have to go into detail on why.

 I've never been in a relationship before. Because of who I am, I don't want him to feel how he does about me. I'm not interested in marriage or kids. I want to be independent while being there for my loved ones. 

 I feel like my mom is pushing me into a relationship with him. She and my brother will joke around about it. Excessively. It's gotten to the point where I feel like it's pushing me away. When I tell them to stop, they'll say to just take it as a joke. I'm done with it. They don't know how much it actually hurts me.

  It sucks, feeling like I can't talk to her about her "joking" or even my questioning my gender identity. I know she'll say "Well that's not how you really feel because mother knows best." Well, sometimes she doesn't.

   I guess I just need some clarity. If my friend asks that dreaded question, "Will you be my girlfriend?", how should I respond? Since I had an absent father (still do, he's emotionally detached), I would never want to force my friend into his bullsh*t. I've got low self esteem and confidence. I don't want a relationship. Ever. Not until I find out me. 

   I don't know if I'm afraid or what. I don't know how my friend or mother would react. I just want to keep him as a friend, nothing more.

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