Maybe you were tired or distracted or had something else on your plate or maybe you are not in the mood, and therefore you said NO to have sex. It is perfectly okay… so relax.
But unfortunately, most of us aren’t very skillful at turning our partners down. And one cannot deny even in the best of circumstances, getting turned down for sex stings. Repeatedly getting turned down in a long-term relationship can end up in resentment and it can grow to a point where it starts to ruin your relationship.
There are times when it gets hard to tell someone that you like them but are not into having sex. But trust us, telling the truth is always the right thing to do, especially when it concerns the sex department. And here’s how you can do it.
Saying no to sex should be as simple as just, saying no to any other thing. But in reality, saying no to sex has its own set of pressure, guilt, and manipulation. Pressuring someone to have sex is never okay, and hence you should always have your boundaries set.
You have the right to decide for yourself when you’re ready for sex, and to say no to sex at any time.
Let us help you in doing the same.
Initiating sex always makes one feel vulnerable. Asking for sex is basically putting yourself in the position of being turned down. If your partner is initiating the process, just give it a moment of acknowledgment. You may feel bothered by the initiation if you are not in the mood, but it’s important to appreciate their efforts. Do not completely ignore their invitation; rather be subtle with your denial. Start with something like, “I appreciate you asking, but ….”, you can continue talking about you not being in the mood to have sex.
Just imagine for once that your partner is the only one who initiates sex even when he saw you clean the child’s poop off your hands, dry your hair filled with his vomit or wearing your worst pair of clothes. Don’t they deserve some concern? But handling a child is a hands-on job or even a hard day at work is enough to get you in the mood.
Just try not to be blunt while saying no. Phrases like “You want to have sex NOW? Are you kidding?” are a big No-No. This will not only make your partner feel rejected, but they’ll also get a nice serving of humiliation. Avoid It!!
Ahaaannn !! Don’t get us wrong, we aren’t deviating in the lands of sexual desires, but it is said that even the most sexually compatible couples do not end up being aroused at the same times. And it holds true for everyone. There is an exceedingly high likelihood that you’re not going to be interested in sex the moment that your partner initiates. But solely for that reason, it is important that you give yourself some time to reconsider your decision.
This is how you can do it: Just ask yourself, “Am I open to seeing if I get turned on?” or, “Am I open to having sex with my partner right now?” these questions are enough to make you aware that you are not in the mood to have sex but all you can do is give yourself some time to think about it. Finish up your work in hand so that your body and mind are completely focusing on whether or not to have sex.
If still, you are not able to make up your mind, just tell your partner that you are not sure about how you feel. Initiate a make out to see if you get turned on. If you do not end up getting turned on then stop it there and then.
Just imagine that it’s a Saturday night and you ditched your friends just to sit back home and relax but your partner is in full swing. You may be enjoying his foreplay but are sure that sex is not on your mind, then what do you want?
Tell your partner that you are not in the mood to have sex but won’t mind cuddling while watching a movie. Seems like a good plan right? This will surely not humiliate your partner and they might even readily accept your offer. And you never know, with his arms hugging you, a warm blanket covering you and a nice movie turns you on.
If you say no to sex, there could be a specific reason which made you say so. Maybe it’s your mother’s health that’s been bothering you, or you have had a bad day at work, or maybe you are just exhausted. Instead of dodging your partner’s initiation, try to reason your disinterest. It will ensure them that it is something with you and not them that’s preventing you from accepting the invitation.
If you tell them about your work tensions or any other issues, your partner will surely try to be supportive and helpful. They’ll understand your situation and won’t feel as bad about you denying for sex. Being specific about your problems will help your partner in developing a better understanding of when you are and aren’t open to sex.
Just remember that you are not in the mood to have SEX, so just say no to sex, not your partner. Until your partner is not pressurizing you to have sex, do not turn them down. If your partner seems bumped after your disinterest, just give him/her a big tight hug and say that you love them. If they start walking out, hold them back and tell them that “, “I’m turning down sex right now, but I’m not turning down you”. You can also say “I’d really love to connect with you right now, but my head is swimming after this bad day at work. I don’t want you to feel like you’re trying to have sex with someone who isn’t there”.
It is normal for one partner to have a higher sex drive than the other. And that partner ends up making most of the first moves. It is important for you both to address the imbalance. You can do it by saying “I realize that you’re the one who usually does the initiating and it must be pretty challenging for you.” A simple sentence of empathy can live with them for a long time.
If you are the one who takes less interest in initiating sex, just take the challenge this time. It’s okay if you are not in the mood to have sex right now, but make up for it the next time. Surprise your partner in your sexiest nightgown or maybe bring back home her favorite wine to set the mood right. Sexual initiation has its own sweet way of stirring up your deepest fears and vulnerabilities and magnifying the tiniest disagreements in your sex drive. You won’t get it right every time, but keep trying it until you master the skills. Such efforts truly define your relationship.
Sex is all about consent. If you don’t want to have sex, just say no to sex. If your partner pressurizes you or snaps at you for not having sex or initiates sex at any times, then maybe you are in an unhealthy relationship.
And if you are on the other side, that is when your partner says no to sex, you better respect their decision. They are saying no to sex, not to you. Sexual consent is highly important in a healthy relationship.
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